Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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