I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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