I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
