o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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