Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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