If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
