I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
