My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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