i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
