we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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