I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
