She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
