normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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