im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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