i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
me + whiskey = a bad person
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
