Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
never play flip cup with pint glasses
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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