just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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