No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
