I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
