puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I need water and some morals
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
