my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
