I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
