Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
