If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
