Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Randomize
