Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
