3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
