i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
