when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
