I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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