It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
