he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
