I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
