Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
