I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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