Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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