i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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