I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
