Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
