Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
