I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We had sex on a dog bed..
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
