I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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