two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Drake has all the answers
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
