You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize