I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
