is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We have started to decorate penises.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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