I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
