The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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