No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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