well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
