all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
