Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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