This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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