I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
