She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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