Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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