you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
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For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
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Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.