I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
